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Monday, August 19th, 2002

Subject:Nightly provision
Time:1:27 am.
funnyfoofan: you can take pills to help you sleep
Wolf7444: or i can kill you and drink your warm blood, thus causing my own frigid body to relax
funnyfoofan: I'm serious, Tylenol PM
funnyfoofan: I was typing this email to frankie and he sent me a copy
funnyfoofan: it was INSANE
funnyfoofan: it's fun being on drugs
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, August 4th, 2002

Subject:My mom speaks in metaphors only.
Time:11:04 am.
I always have this way of fucking up things between me and Maggie. I don't know, I guess I'm really high strung around her for some reason. I feel as if she treats me as if I'm lower, inferior. Or maybe my actions are the ones to provoke such treatment. either way, understandbly, i don't like it. (writing in capitol letters makes me bored) but i want to become friends with her...but it's my pride and inability to say "sorry"! my pride! ahahahaha! pppppppppppprrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddeeeeeeeeee. whoo hoo. i still read her journal and it makes me sad how we can't have a big friendship without any fights. we always have fights. and it's because of me. and what in the fuck can i do about it?

thus, i'd like to give a shout out to maggie deverter.

i'm sposed to see signs today with alex and bento. but i need to tell them that my something-or-another relative is coming over. i was hoping to postpone our rendez vous. or perhaps see it tonite. why am i saying this as if one of them is going to read this. maybe somehow, this will enable me to reach them telepathically. hm, there's a thought.

i slept on the floor today because i promised my sister the bed. why can't she sleep in her own goddamn room? yeah, i know resident evil was really scary...but you gotta sleep in your own room like a big girl. this whole summer, minus a few days perhaps, she's sleeps there. i don't really mind. i just mind that she's now beginning to take my bed. curse her.

damn, i haven't seen anyone in a while. emily, adrienne, ANDY, moriah, WHITNEY, julian, ALISON and ABBY. so sad. i wonder where they are. and if they're wondering the same about me. unless of course, they've all got better things to do than read about my childish antics on this journal. enh.

tada-->mood: faerie dust
music: ben harper - another lonely day
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, August 2nd, 2002

Time:8:55 pm.
Have you ever felt as if you've aged so much over the past few days, that your bones begin to squeek everytime you movie, that waking up is such a pain? And your eyes begin to cloud and become blind when you stare at the white concrete outside?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, July 30th, 2002

Time:9:54 am.
I'm friends with Alex again. Yep. We both wanted to put away all the shit and started anew, I guess. I'm not as giddy and excited that we're friends like before but I'm glad that we're both mature enough to want to make things better.

So yesterday, Alex, Bento, and I went to go see Road to Perdition. It was nice seeing Alex again and riding in his car with no air condition (actually, that I could do without). We talked throughout the ride with the exceptions of a few awkward silences. But yeah, on to the movie. It was a good movie, kinda Godfather-ish...but I've never seen that movie, but that's what Alex said. Bento joked with Adrienne on the phone that this movie was a lot better than that "Godfather crap." Adrienne later came over. We were all sitting on a Mickey Mouse blanket on the front lawn when she arrived and we proceeded to stay there. I told them how I knew my I-5's. Aileen later came too (while we were still outside). I really didn't know what to expect of her. I'd heard rumors that she was a bitch but for some reason, when I met her, I didn't have that certain outlook. I guess I just didn't care. But she's FAR from being a "bitch". Aileen had this cheery smile and a bright face and she was just as welcoming as her visage. Let's see...she didn't like how I loved beef jerky because it was so unhealthy. She wants to drink 8 cups of water a day. And she has government homework to do over the summer. I was very pleased to meet her and when I left, she called me by my name as if she knew me, she had that tone.

Adrienne and I are supposed to go shopping today in hopes to find a more feminine wardrobe for her. She hasn't called yet but I'm sure she's out there. I have to go see my therapist @ 3. But yeah, last night was fun and it made me wondered about how things were going to be next year. It also made me wonder where Andy was. Andy, where are you?
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, July 28th, 2002

Subject:My Duty As Me
Time:10:58 am.
I must...

take care of my mother who has anxiety problems

put up with my dad

make sure my sister doesn't have sex at a young age

make sure Whitney doesn't torture herself with her pressing thoughts

prevent my little little sister doesn't drive my mother mad (who has anxiety problems)

make sure Emily and Moriah don't kill themselves by not killing myself

convert Frank

be Alex Brown's coffee pal

make amends with Max

clean my room every now and then (preferably ever half a century)

play la geetar

take my antidepressants

be Andy's friend

be Eyeball's fan club

play truth or dare with Bento

be a nun in the future with Adrienne

make a restaurant with Julian with Van Gogh's starry night on the wall

become a photojournalist

clean the fishes tank

not do weird lists like these

I was just thinking about all the crap I had to do today and just wrote all of this because I could...

I haven't seen my friends in a while. I miss seeing them. But this Tuesday, I'm going shopping with Adrienne to buy some clothes for her and Wednesday, paint pottery with her and Emma. POTTERY!! I like that word. My mom prefers me to brush my teeth then eat breakfast. My dad's listening to flamenco guitar. I think I'll join him.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, July 21st, 2002

Subject:The Simpsons is now a comic strip in the Sunday paper.
Time:10:47 am.
Frank informed me that it was originally a comic strip. I thought it was just a show. It's a good show. But why does the strip perturb me so?
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, July 17th, 2002

Subject:I Really Hate Having Regrets.
Time:11:15 pm.
I want to reverse time and just DISSAPEAR. I'm crying SO much but you can't see. The pain comes back more and I've decided that alcohol is bad but I'm going to get drunk tonite anyways. Yep, everyone can look down upon me. @ pizza nite, I felt dead, bombarded by my own fatigue and thoughts. I wanted to lie my head on Adrienne's shoulder and go to sleep, only to wake when everything is green and red. I know tomorrow won't be a good day so why wake? I wish I had to energy to stay with Andy and Adrienne. I REALLY wanted to be around Andy for some reason, just wanted to talk and laugh, you know? God, I can feel it gnawing on my bones and blocking every vein so I suffocate myself eventually. Does love do this to you? Can your admiration for someone blossom into pain? And if it does, is it you bringing the pain upon yourself. I really liked him and I feel that there's just no hope for anything rahter thatn friendship in this lost world we're in. I really did. And I should have known it was futile right from the beginning. (laughs) And even though all of this has happened, my emotions can't pry themselves from his body and and smile. Stupid, it might sound. I find myself always wondering what he's doing and if I can make it to his house without being engulfed by my excitement and laughter. Why do people feel this way? What's the point? So much for dreaming.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, July 16th, 2002

Time:12:11 am.
I was reading some guy's journal and I always liked this kinda stuff so here I go....

(My mom's yelling at me, my answers might be a little different now that I'm in this state of mind)

01. what do you think of the way you look? My eyes need to be purple. I think I look fine. I look too serious though.
03. what do you think about karma? oh it's out there, beware.
04. what do you think about love? I don't know what to think anymore. Love is something really strong that I'm not able to understand, I don't think.
05. what do you think about fate? I believe in fate, that there's this predetermined path for us a bit, but I also beleive in free-will. Weird ain't it?
06. what do you think about the french? I speak french so...GO FRENCH PEOPLE!
07. what do you tell yourself when times get hard? "I wish I had the strength to kill myself"
08. what would life be without family? a lot more simple and easier. I would be a lot different. but I do need the money and well, I guess I like them a little.

.about dreams.
09. do you dream a lot at night? yeah, I remember them a lot more now too, now that I think about it. I used to let my mind drift during class into that dream state so you could say I dream during the day too.
10. do you dream in black and white, or color? always color, my world is made of an array of colors. my dreams aren't simple enough to be in black and white.
11. do you remember any of your dreams? yep.
12. what is your dream kiss like? realistic. I wake up thinking I just kissed someone and feel all fuzzy about it.
13. what is your dream job? I think I was still just a high school kid. Actually, I hardly ever attended class in my dreams. rock on.
14. do you think i'm too sexy for milan, new york and japan? i think everyone is too sexy for those three except me and my friends. we'd do well in the modeling business.
15. .. write in a journal or diary? yep, an online one and another one that is in a secret place....shhhh.
16. .. keep an organizer? I try but fail everytime. Even a planner for school. I just can't keep up. I like my head. It makes a good organizer.
17. .. believe in love at first sight? Hmm, I hope there's love at first sight. I'm in love with the concept of being in love. I like the word. So that would be really romantic. But to answer the question, I don't really know.
18. .. believe that every person has one soul mate? I think so but I don't. Is there someone that was born to be with me? am I born to be with a certain someone? it's weird if you think of it like that.
19. .. shower daily? kinda, i do and then there are some days were it's like every other day. I feel weird about the shower questions.
20. .. like this survey so far? uh huh.
21. .. cry easily? when it comes to dealing with stuff like emotions and friendships, yeah. with parents, kinda. with shit from random people you don't know, no. movies, a wittle.
22. .. believe in heaven / hell? I like heaven to be clouds. But do I believe in it, no. neither. ALTHOUGH, I hope there is an afterlife. If not, oh well, I'm dead. I can't complain.
23. .. believe in angels/ghosts or other such things? yep, that was my passion (besides the angels, and more along the lines of paranormal phenomena)

24. day of the week: I'd have to say Friday. my parents are at work. and I can do whatever the hell I want.
25. ice-cream: mint choco chip
26. movies: Amelie, Sleepless in Seattle (see, I'm a romantic), Star Wars, there are some other.
27. actors: john cusack, ewan mcgregor
28. actresses: julia roberts
29. quote: I don't have one but there's one about powdered water and what to add in order to...yeah, you get the point.
30. holiday: christmas of course. I wish it snowed though.
31. season: winter and fall
32. colors: grey and sometimes black
33. flowers: roses
34. school subject: literature
35. city: new york and paris (heehee)
36. country: I'd have to say Greece. I was really interested in Greek mythology as a kid (still am kinda) so I promised to go there one day. To this day, I stil look at pictures of Greek ruins and monuments and history.
37. drink: one tequila, two tequila, joking. WATER!!! It's so refreshing!
38. food: tangerines and white peaches.
39. thing to wear: SCARVES!!! and my J. Crew jeans.
40. page on the internet: CONCRETEWATER.COM!!!! and the online journals of my friends.
41. animal: hard question. I always liked marine life. So all of marine life!!!

.creative questions.
42. if you had the chance to speak with william shatner what would you say to him? You were that one guy in that one movie. Yeeeah....can I have your autograph anyways.
43. does the idea of leprechauns scare you? if they're like the ones in the movie
44. if you could change one thing you did in the last 24 hours, what would it be and why? put on my seatbelt in Maggie's car so she won't be mad at me now. And not send that email to frank.
45. do you prefer sleeping outside beneath the night sky, or your cozy bed? my bed when it's cold, outside if it's with someone.
46. what is the most beautiful thing in the world? the trees, their shadows, the way the sunlight seeps through their branches in the break of dawn. People are really beautiful too. But really, something in specific: when I went to this place with my friends Andy, Whtney, and Rachel, and Julia and we watched the sun go down and I put my head on the road to see how far it went. That was beautiful.
47. did gym class or team sports traumatize you as a child? no, my best friend Sarah and I had a good time being the last ones to run the laps around the field.
48. if someone could pop their eyeballs right out of the sockets would that impress you? no, but I wouldn't be disgusted I don't think. I would just stare and think how they did it.
49. if you could meet anyone, past or present, dead or alive, who would you meet and why? the whole band of incubus because i admire their music and well, they're so pretty. on a more serious and mature note: Jane Austen.

.school: have you ever ..
50. skipped school? not the whole day, but I have a year left till I graduate
51. skipped a class? yep. I got 10 days of detention everytime I did it. that added up later to quite a record.
52. slept through a class? yeah, is that so bad?
53. thrown things at the teacher, and what did you throw? yep, paper. I know, I'm quite the hooligan.
54. cheated on tests? yes, many times. you take advantage of people like Br. Warren
55. plagiarized? I think so
56. copied someone else's work? uh huh, doesn't everyone
57. been expelled, and for what? nope
58. had detention? see # 51...
59. brought a weapon to school, and what was it? I brought myself and I am weapon enough
60. had drugs in your posession at school? nope but cigs yep
61. harrassed anyone in school? Adrienne and Maggie for random reasons. And Br. Dat (asian bastard)
62. bought a teacher a flower? psh, no

.home: have you ever ..
63. snuck out and been caught? YEP, it was worth it though
64. snuck out and got away with it? YEP, it was REALLY worth the risk though. in fact, I'm going to do it tonite
65. hit a family member? heehee, yeah
66. been grounded for a month or more? nuh-uh. amy good
67. had a party at your house unsupervised? yeah right, my house sucks.
68. broken something & lied about it? when I was a wee one
69. stolen money from your family members? yes, i'd do it again too
70. had a fistfight with your sibling? not really byt physical fight yes
71. gotten in trouble for bad grades? yeah, I remember the first timeI got a bad grade. My parents treated the situation as if it was the end of the world. Sheesh, it was just a C. Now look at me, I'm stilla good kid :)
72. ever ran away? no, my door is really old so it's gets stuck and makes sounds. not anymore though........(laughs deviously)
73. lied to your parents? the worst one? about what? yes, I lied about being a girl my whole life. HAHAHAHA! I sure fooled them.

I like filling out those questions. To all my palzies from around town and school, cut and copy and fill out. I'd like to see your guys' answers.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, July 13th, 2002

Subject:In My Head
Time:11:48 pm.
Please hold my hand and make my heart skip a beat.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Vernacular Spectacular
Time:10:42 am.
We're planning where to go. I'm going to see Minority Report I think. My cousin is invited my mom to play but not my dad. That's gonna be me when I come home from college. Maggie works too much. My sister is a lot more charismatic than I. I don't know if I believe in God or I do but don't believe in the crappy Catholic Church and all the shit that goes along with organized religions. I'm really confused about what I believe in. I still can't answer the question "What is the nature of existence?" and I don't know if I believe in destiny or the concept of freewill. I'm just extremely torn between two worlds. I feel as if if I bring up the topic, Ishould have this concrete belief in what the hell I'm talking about. So basically, I'm asking questions for the sake of looking for MY answers, hoping that if I hear that I like, I can compile them together and label it mine. But that's not how it works! I really miss Whitney already. My farewell was me falling asleep on the phone with this lethargic pissed off voice. She left me being mad at her for no reason.

My cousin Larissa thought it would be funny to record my uncle's cell phone answering message to make it sound like Osama Bin Ladin and some terrorist funny message. At the airport, they check your laptop and cell phone I guess and the people checked my uncles cellphone and got REALLY confused and interrogated my uncle. Story of the day.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, July 12th, 2002

Subject:Days Are Fun
Time:8:04 pm.
I raced Tyler Tratten in Darren's VW bus. I met the french student who thought I was french, ooo lala. And Frankie came over along with Darren who locked me out of my room a couple times until I found the key. Now I'm going to Capitol Garage to see if Ent is going play. If not, it's cool. There's someone on here named agent teacup. I like the name :). Hopefully, we will talk of great things to come.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, July 10th, 2002

Subject:The Long Way There, Whoo-hoo
Time:5:27 pm.
Hey guys, remember me?
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, December 22nd, 2001

Subject:Jon England Scares the Fuck Out of Me Sometimes
Time:10:33 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Work was alright today. Jon and Maggie stopped by and kept wanted to go. I wanted them to drive me to Paezanos with them but nooo. They said they were going and so I let them. Btu then some sort of pang of guilt hit them so they stuck around. I told them to leave and refused to go with them. Then they began to act like the best friends around. So I went with Stacy instead. Oh yeah, my dad ran away from home today. My stupid ass sister invited a bunch of her stupid friends over today. She said she was inviting like 3 friends over. So my folks dropped me off at work and when they returned home after going to the mall, they found like 6 boys in the house and my sister. So my dad got pissed and him and Mai got in a fight so he came to Latte for dinner. It was the only time where I sat down and had a decent conversation with him. Also, Danny finally brought the "stuff" and I was dissapointed because it looks so small. Yeeeah.

I was on the internet and talking to Julian. He said he heard that I went to the CKM show on uh yesterday. He asked how was it or something. I said Good and I also said something like making out with the other guitarist in the band Stereotype. I was joking. I wasn't trying to start a story to get me fame or recogntion or a reputation. It was something that would give me the chance to point my finger and laugh at Julian for being so naive. But I guess he told Jon England about it and Jon happened to be best friends with the guitarist (Angel) and so Jon IMs me saying Fuck You and all this other confusing crap. I guess he was messing with me because he said how I was really naive for believing all the things he said. I was so scared for some reason. I was at the thing and I heard some girls talking about Angel, how he was hot, how he looked deep, and how they would fuck him given the chance. The joke seemed harmless and appropriate.

Fuck work. I don't want to work anymore. I wanna play.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, December 21st, 2001

Subject:This one's for Whitney, this goes out to you cool cat!
Time:11:48 am.
Mood: happy.
Here's a poem about Wasabi

It's green, it's cool
it calls out your name
this time, whitney fell victim
lost her pride, found the shame

her eyes filled with
wet little tears
as the poison began to work its magic
it's all she had hoped, it was all that she feared

no, this wasn't your ordinary avocado
whitney's feat of bravory you should no copy
for she has no tongue now
because of that little peice of wasabi
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:10:15 am.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, December 20th, 2001

Subject:I HAD so much to say.
Time:9:32 pm.
Mood: chipper.
...and now I don't. Well, Max has decided to stay friends with the infamous Emily Page. I'm not surprised and yet I'm dissapointed for some ODD strange reason. I told him to stay friends with her. I guess I'm just dissapointed because I thought he was stronger than that. Oh how the opposite sex controls us so. Who am I to complain. That-guy has me on a chain and he doesn't even know it. (shakes head) I'm supposed to be better than that.

So I had a nice chat with Alex last night. I feel really relieved. I don't have to hate anymore. I don't have to feel awkward anymore. THE PAIN DOES GO AWAY! So yeah, Alex and I are no longer arch enemies...for the time being. Andy is, well, a different story.

Christine asked why I don't do anything when it comes to liking a guy. I know this seems like a really high school topic to bring up but hey, it's my journal, not your's so DEAL. I should but couldn't. I mean, that-guy is just a totally different person. He has a line of girls waiting for him until he decides to have a girlfriend. I don't think he does but I don't know much about him. I feel like I have no chance whatsoever but moments like yesterday's gets me thinking that maybe I do. God it's confusing. I get all worked up about those little moments, you know, and then reality hits me in the back of the head and says "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" Argh! Just gimme sign, man!

Maggie, Whitney, Heather, Emily, and I went to the Old Spaghetti Factory. T'was nice. And to top off a nice, hearty lunch, the waiter was DELECTIBLE! Maggie denied it but I could see her eyes following his a--nevermind. Too fake though. He called Emily 'madame'. No one calls anyone that nowadays. He was REALLY working for the tip, wasn't he? And I got to try this ice cream called 'spimoni' and it was tres good. Weird but good. Whitney and I were talking about how I should name my kid that. Three kids, here are their names: Trinity (from the Matirx...thee movie), Boomer (it's kind of fun, cute, he'll get the girls with this), and now Spimoni (after the ice cream served by the his father :)) Life...is...good folks. Trust me, I know.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, December 19th, 2001

Subject:Edition No. &
Time:10:35 pm.
This flat, flirtatious seminar I'm having with you
isn't going anywhere
I'm going to stab it until it does
out of frustration
into the toilet bowl, it'll go once again
and if that doesn't stop this powerful feeling
and things I do around you
I'll stab myself
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:10:24 pm.
I'm really nervous because I'm debating whether or not I should I IM Alex and talk to him. I hate hating people. I don't hate people usually. I'm just mad at them and tell people I hate them. But there's no hate. I opened a box to IM him and typed in "Do you hate me?" I wasn't supposed to send it but I accidently pressed the button. I think some part of my brain registered in my hand to press the button. Anywho...I downloaded this weird version of my journal. Almost like an AOL Instant Messenger thing, which I'm so acquainted with. So this shall be fun playing with.

Finals have been extremely draining. I fell asleep during my Chemistry final. I took little 2 minute naps. They were quite refreshing. Oh, and I got caught for skipping E Set. Damn the system. So I have 10 days of detention. Whoo-hoo. It's okay though because I got to hang out with Max today during detention when I was supposed to be picking up trash. I tried to drag him into the girls' locker room. There was no other way to get into the gym.

Well, that's all for today. I'm sort of out of words because well, I guess I'm just having one of those days where verbal diarrhea seems to be in the air. Ooo, bad imagery.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, December 18th, 2001

Subject:Edition No. %
Time:11:15 pm.
Mood: drained.
Noticable notices
memorable memos
prepared preparation
smelly japanimation

-for Starkey

Poem of the day:

Oh yeah. This is so great. A poem that empathizes with the way I feel about love and the male sex. Finally.

Against Love

Hence Cupid! with your cheating toys,
Your real griefs, and painted joys,
Your pleasure which itself destroys.
Lovers like men in fevers brun and rave,
And onlly what will injure them do crave.
Men's weakness makes love so severe,
They give him power by their fear,
And make the shackles which they wear.

Who to another does his heart submit,
Makes his own idol, and then worships it.
Him whose heart is all his own,
Peace and liberty does crown,
He apprehends no killing frown
He feels no raptures which are joys diseased,
And is not much transported, but still pleased.
-Katherine Philips

Tell your friends.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, December 16th, 2001

Subject:The World Is So Much Better Through The Eyes of a Blind Man.
Time:11:40 pm.
Mood: giddy.
I just talked to Max. It's so nice to hear a friendly voice on the phone. It's so nice to hear from him again period. <--Ha! Two periods.....anyways. I'm going to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Emily Paige tomorrow about Max. Hm, I'd like to see where this is going to go. Do you know how much power I have right now!? I could jeopardize this all with a simple sentence, all because I'd want to and it would please me to see people suffer. But I can't because Max would suffer and I don't want to see him suffer. Dammit, if only this was someone else. That would be soo much fun. This is getting a bit weird. Next subject:

Maggie's head hurt. I told her not to think and be stupid. What a great peice of advice! You've done it again (crowd worhships Amy). Damn I'm a good friend. I talked to Emily K. today. It was a nice conversation. I liked it. Little chit-chats like that are so cool. I'm sounding really stupid so I'm going to stop.

Tyler is going to teach my Aeroplane by the good ol' Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Yay! He tried to today but I was distracted by my wallpaper. He played some Soundgarden. And some 70s Funk stuff. I like the bass geetar. I'm tired. but I have a project to do. Fuuuuck, need a cup of coffee. but I think Starbucks is bad because I'm debating whether or not corporate coffee sucks or not. Hmm, thought topic of tomorrow is whether or not establishment coffee house suck cock or not.....comments anyone?
Comments: Add Your Own.

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